I remember there was a time not so long ago I had so much fear and anger in me that nearly every time I went out into public, I got into an altercation with complete strangers…I would be loud and use my size to intimidate people. I yelled and cussed at people and treated them the way I felt inside…like shit.
I was trying to work on myself. But I kept coming up short with my behavior. Some if not most of my behavior reminded me of a three year old having a tantrum.
At this point, I had insight, I mean I was aware of my behavior…I just wasn’t sure why or what the source of the anger and pain was on such a profound level.
It took nearly getting shot over a car parked too close to my truck for me to really pause. I broke down…I mean I was fucking broken…or at least I thought I was.
I prayed and asked for guidance on how to move forward…the answer was…move forward beautifully…and I must have cried for hours.
I had to learn how to love myself again. I had been so beaten up inside from years of toxic communication that I was in full survival mode.
I had done a lot of work in early adulthood processing shit from my childhood. And then ending up in a long-term abusive relationship put me back at square one. I internalized all of the unkind words and criticism and ended up fucking hating myself.
So moving forward beautifully meant I had to forgive first and foremost. I had to forgive those who hurt me and I had to forgive myself for losing my way for so long.
The more I humbled myself and asked my ancestors to walk with me, the more clarity I began to obtain. I learned that my lack of patience and irritation with complete strangers was due to a lack of human contact. I had not hugged or even shook hands with someone in nearly six months.
I knew I had to start interacting with people again. I started slowly with social media and going to my relatives coffee shop where I felt most comfortable. And almost magically, people I love and that I know love me, randomly showed up at the shop… Each one of their hugs and kind words began to soften my heart.
I still fell back into old behavior for a short while. And on one of the toughest days…I remember clearly…I prayed for the creator to make me whole.
And that evening someone reached out to me…and I didn’t know it then, because it was such an odd and brief encounter…that person would go on to become one of my greatest blessings.
And so it took a lot of love from various people as well as loving myself again to let go of my fear and anger. I go out in the same public places and have the same situations occur as before yet my behavior is calm and I actually enjoy being around people. And for the first time in my life, I feel whole.
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